Since I found Serenity
by Lilagirl
Summary: River's thoughts and feelings as she arrives on Serenity. Takes place during the first episode. I hope it's better then it sounds xD R&R?


Mwahahaha, one shots rule. My mind's been working on a Firefly fic for a while and after watching the first episode again I think i've come up with a winner. This is actually going to be my first non romance fic. Shocking ain't it?  
Just fyi, unless you've written from River's perspective, it's incredibly hard to Dx Her mind is seriously complex and it takes a bit of mental tweaking to get into that sort of state of mind.

I'll probably be doing more one-shots in the near future. I'm trying to get back into the groove of actually doing some real writing, after a whole summer of only writing crap. Possibly another Firefly one-shot, but no promises!

**General disclaimer: I do not, have not, and will not ever own Firefly. I own nothing here, except my creative right. So no suing, kay?**

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_Darkness...cold...snowflakes falling around me, like Christmas. Nothing here. Can't remember, who am I? Where am I?_

I hear the top above me fall to the ground and it's no longer dark. I hear voices, see nothing but I can hear them arguing. Who are they? I struggle to open my eyes against the cold that's frozen them shut. Sleeping, sleeping for so long. Want to wake up...the Academy. Tricks. Darkness. Cold. I jump up from my resting place and scream. This has to be one of there tricks. I'm still with them.

I claw my way out of the box I was in. Colors, words, thoughts, images, all stream through my head like a river. A river. I'm River. I feel someone who's concerned for me, two people actually, but my mind can't pin-point who. The man who is beside me looks at me like he can't believe what's going on. Not real. None of it's real.

A face is in front of me now. My eyes can't focus. They blur and then straighten, then blur again. I make out that it's a man who's in front of me. He's speaking to me, telling me i'll be alright, i'm safe. Not safe. Never safe. The voice is familiar. Simon...it is Simon. He has almost his entire body shielded around me. Walls crumble. I'm babbling now, crying out at the abuse I suffered. He comforts me as best he can and wraps me in a hug. I feel almost safe, though I know I can never be safe again.

My mind is starting to take shape now. Words start to make sense, images start to slow down, colors return to their respected areas, but the thoughts still race. Not my thoughts. Never all my thoughts. The thoughts of a woman I can hear. She's standing approximately fifteen feet away from me, holding a robe in her hands. Concern radiates from her very being. _Inara_. Her name flows through my head as easily as water.

Simon takes the robe from her and wraps me in it. I realize I was naked. Doesn't matter. More people have seen me naked then this. Thoughts keep coming, like a tidal wave. Particularly the thoughts of the man I saw originally. Captain of the ship. Stunned beyond anything else. I stare at him for a moment. He stares back. I look away after a few moments to look around. My mind tells my eyes to look a certain direction but they're content with glancing around frantically. I see walls, stairs, metal. A ship.

On the stairs are two more people, a man and a woman, _Zoe. Wash_. They look at me with the same expression that the Captain has. Incredulity, pity, shock, all human reactions to women frozen in boxes, or so I assume. Another man is standing at the entrance. _Jayne._ He looks at me with raised eyebrows but not so much with shock. He's seen too much in this lifetime to be shocked by much. I don't linger on him, his mind is a wide open prairie. Full of danger and wild animals.

Simon walks me away now. My eyes keep searching for some form of trickery. Simon feels real enough, his thoughts are real enough, but I have to trust him. My brother. He said he would always find me. The Captain, _Mal_, follows us, intent on finding out who I am besides the obvious. Simon tells him to wait until he can stabalize me. His words don't frighten me, but the location does. I see the room and it's workings and i'm back there. They shove needles at me and make me see things. I don't realize i'm backing away until Simon pushes me forward with comforting words, promising he'll never hurt me.

A girl is sleeping in the room. _Kaylee._ Bullet to the side of her body, recovering. I look at her with my head tilted while Simon gives me some medicine. Doctor knows best. Brother knows best. The Captain stays for two minutes and twenty-three seconds, then he walks out to tell his crew to meet up in the dining area. He yells at Simon to be there, pronto. Simon is trying to ignore him. Kaylee shifts and mumbles in her sleep. Her dreams are calming, full of happiness and light. I dwell on them as I drift off to the black abyss.

_Pain and darkness. Not safe, even from myself._

I wake up periodically. I see nothing but my own darkness. My eyes refuse to reveal themselves. Kaylee is still here. Still sleeping with her light and happy dreams to soothe her. A new man is here as well. _Book_. He stands and prays to his god for Kaylee's recovery, and for my recovery. Dark and discreet his thoughts flow into me with ease. Simon must see me twisting about because he comes over and holds my hand. He must think i'm having a nightmare. I push the preachers thoughts away and try to focus on Simon. He's relieved and happy to have me with him again.

There's another reason he's here. He was in his room before, now he's here. They're all scared and concerned. Fear is a powerful emotion and I can feel it radiating off the ship itself. She's scared for her crew. I see no threat-until we pass by it. Like a blow to the stomach I feel pain, hear screams, and smell blood. The screams echo in my brain, louder and louder. I open my eyes and realize i'm screaming out loud. Simon is trying to calm me down but he can't. I can't stop feeling the screams. They cry out to me, begging me to end their misery, but I can't. I'm too far away. I can't block out the screams. Feeling nothing but compassion and regret Simon has to dope me. I thank him silently, with ever fiber of my being.

_Like a black hole. Everything gets sucked in and lost. I'm being pulled towards the center, but before I go to far something pulls me back._

I wake up again and something is wrong. Simon's not here but someone else is. Kaylee looks at me as I get up and asks me what's wrong. I can't answer. I have to find Simon again. My mind tells me i'm still not safe but I feel the safest with him. I see the man lurking in the waiting room, waiting for me to come out to him. _Dobson._ I can't stop him from grabbing me, the gun he holds freezes me in my tracks, makes me still and limp. The cold metal presses against my head and I hear him threaten Kaylee. She'll be brave, I know she will, but a whimper still escapes my throat.

He drags me along, down to the cargo bay, careful to keep me in his sights and the gun in mine. I struggle only a little as he opens the airlock doors. Apparently we landed some time ago as he didn't get sucked out into open space. The light of the sun blinds me for a moment and I have to step back. I shield my eyes from both the light and the sight of seeing Simon landing on Dobson. I want to help but my body refuses to let me, so I shrink back behind some cargo. I had the perfect opportunity to take the gun off the floor. The metal repulsed me, I couldn't touch it, I didn't even want Simon to touch it.

He does though. With impeccable speed he tackles Dobson and snatches the gun. Dobson tries to go for the other gun but wonderful Simon stops him. I watch helplessly as the treacherous snake tries to reason with Simon, telling him he won't hurt me, that he just wants to do his job and take me back home. The word alone makes me shiver. Home. I don't have a home anymore.

In the back of my mind I sense the preacher stumbling into the cargo bay, and Inara rushing up to the railing, concerned for Simon and I's well being. Suddenly I can't concentrate on the fight anymore. The screams are back, coming closer to us. They claw their way in, ripping away my comfort. I start whimpering. Everyone assumes it's because of Dobson. The fear and pain of the screamers flows into me until I can no longer tell who I am anymore. What's left of me holds back my own screams.

In a matter of minutes the screaming calms. Comfort and stability now resides in the cargo bay as the Captain, Zoe and Jayne return. I can't hear Dobson anymore and I flinch. The Captain shot him without warning, without mercy. I feel safer now, with everyone aboard. Simon comes up to me but with the gun in his hands I can't go near him. He takes the hint and gives Jayne the gun without looking at him, then he leads me back up to the infirmary. Inara and Book follow us, Jayne too a minute afterward.

I watch Jayne lift Kaylee with tender care, like she weighed nothing at all, and carry her out to the engine room. Book follows them while Inara takes me and Simon to her shuttle. It smells nice. Inara has an arm wrapped around my shoulders as she sits me down on her bed. I wonder how many jobs she's done on the bed i'm sitting on. Simon sits next to me then stands up and fidgets. He feels uncomfortable around her bed. Understandable.

The screams that pounded into my skull now lay dormant, behind a wall of glass. Easily breakable, but for now Simon kept it solid with his comfort and love. I felt his emotions seeping out from him as he thought of our fate. He just found me again, he didn't want to lose me. Especially not to monsters. I felt him come to a conclusion in his mind, if the monsters came for us he would kill me before they could. It was a bad thought turned into a loving thought. Monsters did un-speakable things to their victims. If he killed me before they got to me I would be spared from the misery. I saw the same thought in Inara. She would kill herself before she would let herself become victims to those creatures.

The Captain tells us to hang onto something. My hands reach for the back of Simon's shirt. He's looking out of the shuttle but his arm comes around to place me at his side. My face buries itself into him while Wash and Kaylee preform their new stunt. My stomach flip-flops when we stop and go but the monsters go by us. We hit atmo before they know what hit them. After a couple minutes the Captain tells everyone we're safe. Simon breathes a sigh of relief and hugs me, Inara joins him.

Simon leads me back to the passenger dorm to change into the clothes he brought for me. A white nightgown greats me when I open the bag. Simon leaves me to my privacy, briefly, to talk to the Captain. In his absence I sit and study the ship around me. Serenity, the name means peace but the way she lives seems opposite of her name. She breathes comfort and security however. She's seen a lot, been through a lot, but she's never felt like she was a home until this crew came along. She tells me i'll find a home here, and that she and her crew will protect me. I want to believe her, but nothing can protect me from them. They'll come for me now that i'm gone. They won't stop until they have me back.

Simon comes back then and I put on a smile for him. He's trying so hard to make a good life for me. He gave up everything. I see he fought with Mommy and Daddy about coming to get me. They didn't believe I was in trouble, they didn't want to believe it. He was the only one concerned for me and he wouldn't stop until he found me again. He found me broken. I don't want him to know i'm broken yet. I want him to see how grateful I am. He asks if i'm comfortable and I nod, un-able to trust myself to speak. I see a needle in his hand and only a part of me is afraid this time. Simon would never hurt me.

He tells me it will help me sleep, it will help the nightmares. He looks so sincere that I admit that I didn't think he would come for me. We joke like we used to again. He's such a wonderful brother. We hug tightly for a moment, I can't help the tear that falls onto his shirt. For the first time in years I feel loved again, I feel relief and I feel almost safe again. When he pulls away he smiles and tells me that we're going to stay on Serenity for a while. He doesn't want to tell me we have a bounty yet, afraid of the way i'll take it.

Serenity rejoices at his words. She wants us to stay. She was missing some people in her and she believes we can fill the void. I wonder if she is correct in her assumptions. This crew is more interesting then I originally thought, more complex then most. Or so I assume. I have never been on a ship like this. The last ship I was on took me to the Academy, and that ship never said a word. The crew were all Alliance and they were stiff as statues most of the time. This crew is loud, abrasive, crude sometimes. Two Independents make sure that no Alliance would ever come within spitting distance of Serenity. In their mind the war never ended, they're still fighting for their freedom but on a different Serenity. Fascinating, I never met any of the Independents.

Everyone else on the ship had their own secrets, more complex then some but still their own. I didn't want to pry but they transferred to me before I could stop them. They were now my secrets to keep. My secrets...

_Arms reached out to grab me, to hold me steady. I felt serenity. Blackness envelops everything and washes away my joy. I'm no longer a part of them, i'm below them. I can't tell who I am anymore. No one can save me...no one._

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Kay so it got a bit angsty and confusing at the end but whatev. I'm actually kind of proud of this. It's my first non-romantic, non-songfic, one-shot! If you can't already tell this is River's feelings in the first episode, or as close as I can get to her feelings without being tortured by government morons for 3 years x.O

R&R if you feel it deserves it :D  
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